The Colonic!!!!

So the day finally came, and off I went on a surprisingly quick drive to Pieter du Toit's Colon Therapy clinic in Panorama. As I pulled into the driveway, a small white-haired, bearded man waved at me and the realisation hit me that there was absolutely no backing out now! I got out of the car, walked over to him and shook his hand and he lead me into a very small, but clean looking room with a bed and the colon hydrotherapy device attached to the wall - just like I'd seen on Jackass. I was starting to get a bit of a lump in my throat, as I filled out a form with my details, after which I was told to empty my bladder in the adjacent bathroom. I found it quite difficult to go, knowing that there was some strange man who I'd just met right in the next room - but turning on the tap eventually did the trick!

Back in the room, and after some generous lubrication, the tube was inserted while I lay on my side taking deep breaths. Then I was told to turn over and lie on my back to secure the device. It took quite a while for the water to reach temperature, but after a few minutes we were ready to go. I wasn't sure exactly what was going to happen, and there were obviously some fears that something might go wrong and that I may end up getting myself damaged internally! But at least I knew that this guy was a professional and had been doing it for many years. Apparently, in America (where he got his official qualification), many patients believe in having 4 colonics a year - and they book all their appointments in advance! And then it began...

Slowly, warm water filled the pipe and I could feel my tummy feeling decidedly uncomfortable. I remembered from Jackass that the lady conducting Johnny Knoxville's colonic said he'd feel the "distinct feeling of needing to go", and sure enough, I was also beginning to get that distinct feeling! It took at least 4 or 5 "fill and releases" for anything to budge from my poor colon, but eventually I could see small particles that looked a bit like algae floating through the backlit wall device. Now let me just say, that this was to be the pattern for the next 45 minutes - and 5 minutes in, all I wanted was for this pipe to be out of me and to get into my car and drive very fast in the opposite direction. It was not a painless procedure at all, I really found it quite unpleasant - and now three days later, I still have a bit of discomfort just under my right ribcage.

So for almost an hour, we went through this process of fill and release, fill and release, and slowly slowly slowly bits and pieces began to flow through the pipe. Now, a quick biology lesson! In the anatomy of the digestive system, the colon is another name for the large intestine. The main function of the colon appears to be extraction of water from faeces, and it consists of four distinct areas: the ascending colon, transverse colon, the descending colon, and the sigmoid colon. The colon from cecum to the mid-transverse colon is also known as the right colon, while the remainder is known as the left colon. Now the reason why I'm going into so much detail, is because each distinct area, curves into the next - and these curves are little waste traps! Every time we'd hid one of these areas, it felt like I was going to pop!

Eventually it was over, and I was told to go to the bathroom - and that there was a shower or bidet to use. I couldn't imagine why one might need a shower - but it didn't take me long to figure that out! Let's just say it wasn't the most dignified of experiences, and before long I think I can know easily imagine what an enema would feel like. I'll post about coffee enemas another time! After that it was back on the table, to have my pressure points massaged (an unexpected bonus - which I think was probably quite helpful). It did feel rather odd having this old man rubbing his oily hands all over my back, but I accepted that he was a professional and does this all the time. He did tell me that if I felt uncomfortable at any time to just say something - but I didn't. Then, when that was over it was back to the loo one final time (more came out!!!), and then time to get dressed and sit down to hear what special precautions I should be aware of, i.e. what to avoid, and certain supplements that I would need to maintain a balanced, healthy colon.

Most of the points were fairly obvious, for example taking a good probiotic - because obviously along with all the bad bacteria that's washed out in the treatment, so is all the good bacteria that helps your colon function. I got some Reuteri which is what I always use when I'm on any sort of antibiotic, and I've been chewing one tablet morning and evening. Then he told me that nobody should ever drink tea/coffee/any beverage that is too hot - the reason for this being that it can do pretty bad damage to your insides - something that I was not aware of. This is going to be hard! But luckily I usually make tea and then forget about it, drinking it lukewarm - so shouldn't be too much of a problem. There was of course the obvious water intake - mine is extremely poor, and I've been trying especially hard today to drink a good 1.5 litres. So far so good - but I'm peeing every hour! Then the difficult but healthy no junk food, no alcohol (aaarrrggghhh!!!!), no sweets, chips or chocolates..... and then finally, a good basic exercise regime - walking or cycling, but under no circumstances jogging or running (because it's so bad for the knees!)...... and then no crossing of legs, as well as taking Gingko Biloba as a supplement, elevating the legs to chair height for at least 10 minutes a day, and finally (phew) taking cold-pressed flax oil at 9pm every night. I will post some recipes to aid in disguising the taste of flax oil (I can't bare the taste of it on its own) - but I'll leave that for another day :)